Fact: If you can't understand me, it's okay. I can't understand myself either.
One minute I'm okay, the next minute I feel like letting myself get hit by a bus or something. This can get as personal as it can be, so I'm asking for forgiveness in lieu of the things I would like to say. First and foremost, I have a thing with moving on from a quite "unforgettable" experience I had earlier this year. This experience led to me to thinking that I can be happy if I want to. I can dive in to something and just not think of the consequences it can offer me. And as expected, it felt ecstatic. And so the consequences came and I had it coming, it was dreadfully painful. I don't even know why I felt that way, maybe I shouldn't had but I'm human after all.
The thing with that is, I was ready to feel okay because I knew "we" wanted different things. It's one of those acceptable things I considered because the person was human after all. Just to find out that it wasn't just so. To be real honest here, I felt like the world crushed me into pieces again. Like happiness failed me. yeah, sort of like a Dementor's Kiss. And frankly, I still do feel the same.
I promised myself never to care anymore, but it's just not the case. Maybe I am having a hard time because I'm expecting that kind of happiness to anyone I want to be with now. And I know that is wrong, but I just can't help to feel that way. Again, I'm human after all.
Maybe that's how the cycle goes: When I met that person, I gave up on searching and searching for happiness. Then that person came and reminded me how to be happy again. Then the person left me hanging. Now I am again very close to giving up. But I know I just can't give up. Giving up means accepting defeat. And I can't be defeated if ever this is a "game" as how many people would like to describe it. But then again, we're all just human after all.