Tomorrow will be different

No, tomorrow’s just another day like today. But everything will never be the same again. I won’t write this the same way if I write this tomorrow. It won’t change the fact you’re still there and I am here.

But it’s okay, I guess. Just say the only thing that will not change tomorrow is that you’ll be there and I’ll be here. Mind-blabbering, isn’t it? You’re there and I’m here. There will always be distance, but it feels like we understand why it has to be this way. We know that it doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters.

My life

has been pretty awkward. I'll not even try to explain why but believe me, it has been pretty awkward. There were some dull moments, there were moments of high. All made me to what I am today. It's not a polished shoe shining when reflected by light, but it's decent enough to wear in a ball or something. Aside from the lame metaphor, here are my supposed-to-be birthday resolutions:

• Be a more responsible son.
• Earn enough money to buy things I want.
• Extract more creative juices.
• Be a more responsible blogger. (Oh please. LOL)
• And lastly, be a better person all in all.

As I leave one era of my life, teenage years that is, I'm trying to start a new one ahead of me.

PS: Yes, it's my birthday on the 20th of September.

I have never given much thought to anything.

I mean, I can't even explain where to start explaining by what I'm trying to say. Okay, I'll start trying: There are certain limits to any levels or kinds of tolerance there is in this world. In my almost 20 years of existence in this fucked up planet, y'all be saying I don't even have the right to say what I'm about to say since y'all think I haven't even started life yet.

Being distracted aside, what I'm trying to say is: Every bit of too much is not good. I'm not saying it's bad, but it's just not good. Find the thin line that separates those two. Anyway, if it gets to the point where you don't even know the reason why you're doing it, just think about it for a second and stop. Stop and think. It never hurts to think sometimes, you know? In this fast-paced world, where technology has driven the planet, where information is just a click away, it's not that hard to think.

But then again, we may have abused these privileges. We may have been wandering too much and crossing borders we never could have taken if it wasn't for the wonderful world (or not) of the internet. We stay connected with families, friends and our loved ones. Some even uses it to find there love. For some, it may have worked, but for others trying to satisfy there lusts, it gets a bit shaky and... Where am I even headed with all the blabbering? I have no idea too, don't worry.

See? I have never given much thought to anything.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm not used to being the guy who comforts someone. It's like, "So this is how it feels when you wanted to say how you truly feel yet you must be a friend for now since the person's not clearly moved on."

... So this is how it feels like. Totally disturbing. I feel like my chest caught a deranged car accident. This isn't how it suppose to feel.

Karma is a bitch, by the way.

Lost

Is it really natural for us, human beings, to feel lost every time someone leaves us? Well, not just a 'someone' but a 'someone-someone'. To cut the crap, we've gained sort of a personal attachment to that someone. I don't know, may it be romantic or not, I guess somehow that person made an impact in your sorry little life.

Is that really the case every time? Every fucking single time?

Sa tubig

Tignan ang sarili sa tila'y salamin
Walang makitang nakititig sa sarili
Saang banda dapat tumingin?
Sa pagkawala na laging nawiwili

Anong dagat, anong lupa?
Dapat bang tumigil sa gitna?
Pasintabi sa nagkakandarapa
Uhaw na uhaw na sa pagkalaya

Walang direksyon, walang mapa
Saan galing? Saan pupunta?
'Di na makatayo't puro sugat pa
Anong hugis, bakit 'di maipinta?

Baybayin ang dagat ng pag-asa
Anong nag-aabang, gusto ng tuklasin
Lunurin na ang mga umaasa
Hinaharap, gusto ng alamin

You

I'm doing this for the nth time because I want to stick it in your head or at least something like that. You say that I would be the person you most regret hurting, so why is it so hard for you to say sorry? I had to call you one time and that's the only chance you'll say it? What am I? Some kind of trigger? I have to ignite that spark for you to say sorry? And when I couldn't fully handle it, you'll say you don't owe me anything? What could possibly be lamer than that?

I don't want to be the antagonist here, so I'll just lay off. I hope you have a happy life. If that's what you think will make you happy. Oh, wait, what do I know about your happiness, right?

I'm sorry for doing this.

The Climb?

Let's say you're climbing a mountain top, trying your best to climb the dream summit just to see the beautiful horizon that awaits you. And then you fall, just like that. You fell and broke few (or many) bones in your body, bruises all around and worst, you were on coma for a month. But still, you survived your fall and the trauma isn't so bad. You still want to try it and see how it feels when you've witnessed that dream horizon.

You never learn your lesson, do you?

And it's like this most of the time

I try to think of other things then I end up fucking my mind up and go back to that idea. It’s not the best idea in the world, but I swear it feels good. Then I go back to my bed, as fucked up as it is, knowing that I can’t sleep. Then I end up listening to music that really fucks my soul up and makes me alive at the same time. I try to think of anything. Why I feel nothing, why I’m stuck in this dug hole, why I can’t get myself up and just walk again.

And it’s like this most of the time.

Everything changes.

And everyday, everything moves forward, everything moves backward. Everything changes, everything passes you by. Every breath is vulnerable, every fresh air anew. Seize every chance you get. And everyday, hurt as much as you can. Never regret every second pain has conquered your heart and body. If it breaks you, just remember everything moves forward. Everything changes.

Rejection.

I know most of you watch basketball or at least know how the game goes - or not. Doesn't really matter anyway. Wait, so I was saying, I know you've seen basketball any-who or anyhow. You've probably seen a guy taking the ball very close to the basket then suddenly a bigger guy (or not necessarily) rejects the ball and clearly, it wasn't goal-tending. The court side reporters would dwell into the fact the bigger guy who slammed the ball had a great look on the ball. But how about the guy who got slammed? What's left for that guy? Shame. Confidence on low. Ego burn. What else?

Have you ever really considered how it feels to be rejected?

I wonder when will this war shall end.

I’ve given up my sword, I’ve laid down my shield. I took every catapult, still the war rages on. Every archer on the woods burned by the fire the enemies have created, every swordsman up front cut like a piece of fruit.

There you were, the last man standing on a deceitful yet beautiful array of grass, blood shed on every leaf. And I, on the other, down on my knees, still standing yet impertinently losing.

The war have served its purpose.

You won. I lost

Things on my wall

Gray clouds.

I was thinking of something to cheer all of you up. To those who are sad, trying to be sad or really really sad, I really want to write something for all of you. But I guess, I ran out of cuteness. It's like a good, cheerful sunny day suddenly covered with ashful of gray clouds. I don't know. But now, I can see those gray clouds are starting to disappear. Not entirely, but slowly. Tell me at least it's disappearing. Those gray clouds made me sick. Sick as hell and it's already sickeningly irritating. And when something's irritating, you remove it. It's not easy to remove this kind of sickness, but an antidote would surely be nice.

Who would be my antidote? Please go find me.

My official to do list before I die:

Go to the Gulf of Mexico and eat tacos on a cruise ship.
Go to Canada and ask why they’re not Americans.
Go to London and make the queen bow to me.
Go to some cobbled streets of Amsterdam and get stoned with a local prostitute.
Go to Maldives and ask why their resorts are expensive as hell.
Go to the Vatican and ask the Pope why the Papal Conclave takes a lot of days. Is it because all the cardinals wants to be the next Pope? What’s so “holy” about that?
Go to Tibet and pray with a monk.
Go to Mongolia and ask why they wanted to conquer China when in fact their country is like a puff of smoke to the sleeping giant of the Asian territory.
Go to Malaysia and ask why they blend onions, garlic, chili and water together to form a paste and mix it with fish. Sounds weird.

There are a lot of other things still on my mind. I’ll write them some other time when my head clears up.

Fire and Ice, You and I.

It's simple. Tell me if this principle applies to all kinds: Opposites attract. You've read that right, does it really apply to all things? They say different people attract each other. Like magnets. But how about elements? You see, I've always believed that I am a little ball of fire and sometimes a crack of ice.

I've remembered these kinds of things because I was singing a hypnotic song called "We Give In Sometimes" by none other than Up Dharma Down. Gray areas are surely fine, it's as simple as meeting half-way and trying to work things out. But then again, fire simply melts the ice. As fire can be put out as the ice melts when fire reaches it. They outdo each other. How does that compare to what I'm trying to say, though?

Sand and the sea, meet in between. Fire and ice, you and I.

Human After All.

Fact: If you can't understand me, it's okay. I can't understand myself either.

One minute I'm okay, the next minute I feel like letting myself get hit by a bus or something. This can get as personal as it can be, so I'm asking for forgiveness in lieu of the things I would like to say. First and foremost, I have a thing with moving on from a quite "unforgettable" experience I had earlier this year. This experience led to me to thinking that I can be happy if I want to. I can dive in to something and just not think of the consequences it can offer me. And as expected, it felt ecstatic. And so the consequences came and I had it coming, it was dreadfully painful. I don't even know why I felt that way, maybe I shouldn't had but I'm human after all.

The thing with that is, I was ready to feel okay because I knew "we" wanted different things. It's one of those acceptable things I considered because the person was human after all. Just to find out that it wasn't just so. To be real honest here, I felt like the world crushed me into pieces again. Like happiness failed me. yeah, sort of like a Dementor's Kiss. And frankly, I still do feel the same.

I promised myself never to care anymore, but it's just not the case. Maybe I am having a hard time because I'm expecting that kind of happiness to anyone I want to be with now. And I know that is wrong, but I just can't help to feel that way. Again, I'm human after all.

Maybe that's how the cycle goes: When I met that person, I gave up on searching and searching for happiness. Then that person came and reminded me how to be happy again. Then the person left me hanging. Now I am again very close to giving up. But I know I just can't give up. Giving up means accepting defeat. And I can't be defeated if ever this is a "game" as how many people would like to describe it. But then again, we're all just human after all.

The Writer's Block

The moon barely glooms
Parasites its light through the sun
The coffee lessens its heat
As the milk shares the cup

The window frames the silhouette
Trying all your might not to regret
The first word just won't come out
It still ends at the dead end

Never changes, never gets old either
The light's blinding your vision
As another morning passes through
It's still on repeat, on repeat

You try to think, your mind astray
But it's no use anyway
Breaking every raw image
Stealing every absolute salvage

"This too shall pass.", you say
But it's no use anyway
Holding your pen, still and not moving
Staring blankly, sitting akwardly

Just let go, it will come
Let it go, the writing will hit the drum
Feel the pain until you feel no more
Shout 'til hits the core

Your cuts won't save you
No matter what you do
Your pen is your sword
Find a way, on your own

A Fresh Start

I don't know, maybe I just wanted to make everything new. So even my watermark deserves a revamp. By the way, that's my real signature. I don't know if it's gonna cost me anything if I put it here on the world wide web. Hhhmm.

I'll Be Loving U Long Time

Okay, I'm sorry for the lame title. I just remembered that Mariah Carey song just because I was thinking it's been a long time since I actually typed something here on Blogspot. Being not here these past few weeks was kind of hard to do. It's been another roller coaster ride once again.

The rain made me do a lot of things, it was unbelievably fun and exciting. But I still miss some of those days. Those days it would be you who I'm with when I do those things. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking too much. As always, I think too much.

I really can't think of anything right now. Forgive me, though.